Perfect
by pterodactyls
Summary: Courtney Sakura Hikari Ame is your average busty, heterochromatic emo white girl that falls down a well and into the arms of Sesshoumaru. Will her teenage beauty warp his personality away? This is your fanfiction on drugs. Satire, OCxSesshoumaru


_AN: This story is testament to just how much I hate morons who deliberately twist canon until it no longer resembles the original. All characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi, but my own brand of rage is copyrighted solely to myself along with the color blue and Gackt's face. Try and spot how many stereotypical Sue things are in this story! You won't win anything, but if you get them all it means you've read enough bad fanfiction to feel the bile rising in your throat when things get especially retarded._

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I was just a normal angsty teenager when my parents decided to move to Japan up and out of the blue. I had to leave all my friends behind, adapt to a new school filled with people who didn't understand me and worst of all, **forsake** going to Justin Beiber concerts. I cried a lot after we moved; sometimes the pain inside drove me to slice apart my wrists (but only horizontally so everyone would see my angst and I wouldn't really die) and stare at the blood pooling on the floor. Sometimes I wrote dark and depressing poetry that I believed best expressed my _tortured, **obviously misunderstood** soul_. I had no friends, and nobody would look at me, let alone speak to me, because of how strange they thought I was. It was definitely not my fault for not knowing a word of fluent Japanese whatsoever.

You might be wondering who I am. Sometimes I don't know the answer either (my parents lost my birth certificate in the move). My real name is Courtney, but ever since we moved to Japan my name is too hard for Asians to pronounce, and I'm known as Sakura Hikari Ame. I am only 16 years old, but my gangly awkwardness is nearly indistinguishable from my peers due to my triple D breasts and totally mature face. Since we're on the topic of my face, I'll tell you more about it instead of furthering the plot. My eyes are strikingly heterochromatic; one is blue and one is green with swirls, just like that one character from Final Fantasy X. I have a small nose and perfect, fat lips - the perfect kind for kissing if only I had a boyfriend to use them on. My hair is long and golden blonde, curling in some places naturally. Despite my huge breasts, I have a disproportionately small waist and hips but beautiful legs! When I wear the school uniform I get hooted at on the way to school. I don't really wear anything else besides my uniform because I never really leave the house to go anywhere.

One day when I left school I noticed I was being followed by one of my teachers, Takashi-san. Ever since I started going to school I've hated it for various reasons, and Takashi-san is one of them. He's a big pervert that has a huge fetish for school girls, and he always hits on me in class by making me solve math problems so he can try to look up my skirt. I was coming up on an old shrine and decided I'd start climbing the steps and duck inside one of the abandoned buildings to hide. As I climbed I heard him call out to me but I couldn't catch what he said because it was too fast. Something about wanting to touch my boobs, no doubt.

"Courtney! Hey, Courtney! You forgot your math notebook!" shouted Mr. Takashi after his student. "Are you sure you don't need tutoring? I can send you to study hall with a buddy to catch up."

Courtney whipped around on the top step and glared at her teacher. "**Pervert**!" she hissed through her teeth before dashing away to one of the old buildings.

"Hey! Wait! Courtney! You need to study this for the next exam! Where are you going?" Mr. Takashi jogged up the steps, barely catching up to his pupil as she ducked into an abandoned wellhouse on the shrine grounds. "Stupid foreigner," he thought as he followed her.

She was perched on the lip of the old well attempting to lower herself inside when Mr. Takashi caught up to her and she shrieked most loudly. "Otaku hentai baka!" she screamed in mangled Japanese before losing her balance and screaming again, tumbling into the well and knocking her head against the hard ground. Before she had time to escape from her rapist teacher, she blacked out.

* * *

When Courtney awoke, her face was pressed into the grass. She sat up with a start, instantly regretting the throbbing pain of a bruised noggin, and opened her eyes. All around her was a dense forest, green and pulsing with life. Birds sang, insects buzzed and directly in front of her on a tree branch two squirrels were fornicating hardcore. "Where am I?" she wondered aloud.

"In my forest." said a voice nearby. "Who are you, strange girl?"

Courtney almost jumped out of her skin. She turned to face the owner of the mystery voice and locked eyes with the most beautiful man she'd ever seen in her hormonal 16 years. He was tall, silver-haired and wore strange clothes that looked like something out of a Halloween store sale bin. His forehead was marked with a crescent moon, and his unnatural golden eyes spoke volumes of depth to Courtney that no one ever had. "My name is Courtney, but everyone calls me Sakura Hikari Ame." She stared at the strange man. "Are you from a Sailor Moon live action movie?"

Sesshoumaru ignored her. "You say your name is Sakura?"

"Yes."

"You are not a demon. You smell very human, but your appearance is so strange." And beautiful, thought Sesshoumaru. Against all his better judgment, years of hating humanity and sparing every waking moment glorifying himself, Sesshoumaru was absolutely instantly petrified with romantic flutterings at the site of Sakura. "Where did you come from?" he asked, barely containing his heartbeat before it leapt out of his throat.

"The last time I was conscious I had jumped down a well to run away from a pervert." Sakura blinked. "Am I in some sort of trouble?"

"You have come to the past. You probably went through the same well that the priestess did." Sesshoumaru was instantly convinced of this based on prior experience. Having no need for investigation or time for scrutiny, he picked the girl up in his arms and she blushed shyly, turning red like a tomato as he stared down at her.

"Although you have the capability of walking and I, as a full demon, feel no normal sympathy for humanity aside from Rin, I cannot simply leave you in this forest alone to be eaten by dangerous demons or filthy wolves. As I am unconventionally and suddenly drawn to your presence for a reason I cannot explain at this time, I suggest we go back to my magically impossible castle and I brief you on everything in this world so that the author can cut directly to the poorly written sex scene which alludes to our genitals with words like 'shaft', 'member' and 'mouth'. Haste makes waste." He gave her an icy stare that demanded silence. "Hold on tight, spider monkey."

And then they were galloping away, Sakura's face occasionally slapping against tree branches when Sesshoumaru forgot to tell her to duck.

Minutes later, and after having an infodump dropped over her head, Sakura and Sesshoumaru were sitting in his elaborate Victorian-Japanese study, poring over books that wouldn't have logically existed during that era in bound hardback form. Sakura found a copy of Twilight sitting beneath a stack of similar romance novels and held it up triumphantly. "I love this book!" she proclaimed dumbly. "Sometimes I feel like I'll never find MY Edward."

"I've never found him either," Sesshoumaru remarked tearfully.

"What was that?" asked Sakura.

"Nothing." He quickly masked his remorse with a blank look. "Sakura, there is something gravely important that I must discuss with you." Sesshoumaru rose dramatically from his seat, pointing his finger for no apparent reason to look more captivating. "Tonight is the night of the full moon. As you know, I am a full dog demon, and in order to be sure that my line is passed on, every year during this time I go into a regulated heat that causes me to rage uncontrollably until I have had sex with everything in sight. Normally I would lock myself away and abstain from such behaviors, but you have shown up during my time of need, and I beg of you, oh lowly human slut, to use those lips for the dick they were made to suck."

"That is the most passionate and beautiful sentiment anyone has ever said to me." Tears flowed like rivers of _crystalline_ **aquamarine** glittering space diamonds out of Sakura's multicolored globular orbs. "Sesshoumaru! Take me, ravish me, thrust your being into mine!" She shook her head and time slowed down to spray her sparkly tears in all directions and to angle around her face for a panorama of her waterfall of golden curls. As she did this, one of her tears flew out and landed on Sesshoumaru's cheek and in that moment he had a clear vision of sanity that made him stop and think.

Just then, Sesshoumaru had an epiphany - no - a vision of himself observing... himself. He was standing in a room, largely obscure and blurred gray at the edges, and everything was in tones of monochromatic lackluster. He was looking down at his body, broken and abused from too much rape. On the wall was scrawled a sentence that his body had clearly written as a dying message. '**I DIED FOR YOUR SINS**' was the blood message, and at that moment Sesshoumaru suddenly realized that the alternate him was in fact not his physical body but a representation of his personality. Waves of truth and shock sent him back to the present, and when he came to he realized that Sakura was almost choking him with her massive tits in a bear hug.

When he had pried her off he thought of his vision. It was so tempting to listen to himself. Something was nagging in the back of his mind, some long lost version of himself that was snide and cynical and didn't give a shit about humans. He was confused and distraught, and the waves of lust that raked over him was driving him crazy. Sesshoumaru made up his mind then, driven by his lust, and pushed the alter-ego's thoughts away into the dark recesses of his mind. In the distance, perhaps somewhere far away in the depths of his soul, Sesshoumaru thought he heard himself screaming, but it quickly vanished as it was winked out of existence, all traces of his original personality gone.

"Sakura, oh Sakura," he mumbled breathlessly. "I need you so bad, Sakura. You are like my own personal brand of opium!" Sesshoumaru's eyes rolled back into his head in the ecstasy of saying her name. Or perhaps he was seizing.

"Sesshoumaru!" cried Sakura as she flung herself at him and began untying his robes and simultaneously stripping her clothes off. When both of them were completely naked, Sakura blushed again, this time so hard that she looked like she had bad rosasia. "I'm so sorry, it's just that... I've never seen a... a..." She couldn't bring herself to say the word penis out loud; it was simply too naughty for such an innocent naked slut. "Your dingdong is incredible."

Sesshoumaru smirked, instantly transformed into sex god status at having revealed himself to a young virgin. His ego swelled to massive heights far above the residence of Christ. "Your Flying Spaghetti Monster is quite beautiful as well."

Without another word, they embraced and spent a good 5 minutes shoving their tongues in each other's mouthes, Sakura delighting in finding a remnant of Sesshoumaru's lunch still wedged between his teeth. When both of them could no longer breath, they parted with a wet smacking sound and skipped all attempted foreplay to get to the business. Sesshoumaru set Sakura on the desk and spread her legs apart slightly. "This will hurt a little bit since we've decided not to use lube."

"What will it feel like? A slight sting and then I orgasm?"

Sesshoumaru laughed. "No, more like if you imagined jamming a pipe through a hole that's not big enough, and once I'm satisfied, I'm going to be tired and probably go to sleep whether or not you've orgasmed."

And then he jammed his throbbing baguette into her easy bake oven, and they made extra sloppy moaning noises which woke the whole neighborhood in a fit of terror and disgust.

* * *

Some miles away, while trying to do something incredibly evil that would ultimately end in failure, Naraku heard the echoes of the two passionate lovers. Riddled with nausea at the sounds, he turned away to vomit and accidentally lost his balance, falling from the high cliff he happened to be standing on and shattering his fragile body into millions of pieces. Inadvertently this saved the world while ironically killing many innocents who were in hearing vicinity; the death toll eventually grew far beyond Naraku's deeds, making him something of a saint in comparison. To replace him, Kikyou was automatically voted in as Supreme Evil Bitch and promptly hated on for no apparent reason. When in doubt, it's Kikyou's fault! **Burn the witch**!

Long after Sesshoumaru's lust was slaked, he and Sakura lay next to each other covered in a combination of their own sticky bodily fluids, sweat and chocolate syrup. Sakura sighed contentedly, her hand resting on her perfect stomach as she batted her perfect eyelashes, deep in thought. "I should tell you something, Sesshoumaru." Suddenly her eyes grew dreamy and sparkly, watering at the sheer emotional bliss she was about to bestow upon him. "I am pregnant!"

Sesshoumaru was yanked uncomfortably from his afterglow by her words, and he snapped to attention, almost regaining part of his former self. "Impossible! Pregnancy does not happen so quickly."

"I know it to be true!" she clasped her hand to her chest dramatically, her breasts HEAVING with emotion. "Like my other brethren, I get pregnant very easily and sometimes sex doesn't even have to happen. Sometimes I can become impregnated from just looking at you long enough." Sakura stared hard at Sesshoumaru and then gasped. "See! I did it again! Now I'm double pregnant!"

Sesshoumaru was staring at her awkwardly, remembering what she had just said. "What do you mean by... brethren?"

"Well, you see, Sesshoumaru... I am a Sue. A Mary Sue." She smiled triumphantly. "I thought you would have known from my name."

Sesshoumaru's world went dark. Inside his mind the floor was collapsing, the foundations crumbling, the inner voice resurfacing. It was screaming at him, violently. 'YOU FOOL!' his personality shrieked 'You let one stupid woman get the better of you and you were too weak to resist the ridiculous prose. You fell right into her trap.'

"Sesshoumaru!" Sakura was calling his name. It woke him from his reverie. "I asked you if you're going to follow through, you know, like be responsible for your actions."

"M-my actions?" he stammered, suddenly hearing the trembling in his own voice. "Like what?"

"Well, when you knock a girl up you have to marry her." Sakura smiled perfectly and the look made Sesshoumaru's stomach turn over like a dying dog, which is exactly what he was.

Sesshoumaru opened his mouth to say something, shut it again, and looked into Sakura's eyes. They were like two voids, two soulless, empty voids that filtered everything evil and wrong with the world and then transformed it into an idiotic stereotype designed to project an immature concept of maturity. He thought, horrifically, of all the fat, acne-riddled women in parallel universes that were probably, at this very minute, creating more of these monsters to unleash and terrorize the community of well-thought out ideas and characters. For the first time in his life, he was stricken with genuine fear.

Finally, he said "No." It was almost too quiet to hear.

"What was that?" asked Sakura, her voice dripping perfection and sugary rays of _angelic_ **pellucid** aquatic _furious_ **heavenly** diamond sparkles.

"I said no! I'm not going to let you do this to me, I refuse to allow it to happen." He wrinkled his nose in disgust. "This Sesshoumaru was tricked by you, but it will not happen again."

Sakura flinched as if she'd been struck, and more waterfalls of tears began to leak from her eyes like so many broken dams. "You bastard!" she screamed dramatically, throwing herself on the floor and grappling for something to cut herself with to cause more drama. "How could you do such horrible evil things like refusing to let me trap you in an endlessly unfruitful marriage? What about our children?" As she cried she sobbed, screamed, thrashed, flailed and pinwheeled about the room, spraying everything with snot and tears in her horrific, sad rage.

Sesshoumaru could tell she would explode at any moment. She was nearing the brink of ultimate Sue-dom, and she would soon shed her mortal skin and appear in final boss form. He had no weapon, he was completely screwed against her, but he still had his dignity to defend, and the old Sesshoumaru would have gladly gone down fighting for that. He stood tall over the weeping woman and cried out "**GIVE ME CANON OR GIVE ME DEATH**!" in a voice that Patrick Henry would have been proud of.

With a raging snarl Sakura leapt upon him, bitch claws extended, and went for his throat. Once again, the world went black.

* * *

Sesshoumaru awoke with a horrific flinch, his eyes flying wide open to survey the world around him. He realized with relief that he was outside, it was morning, and that Rin, Jaken and Ah-Un had not noticed him because all of them were still sleeping around the remnants of last night's old campfire. He glanced warily about the clearing, and heaved an undetectable mental sigh when he realized that the nightmare had only been in his mind. Many things in it were confusing to him and his head ached when he tried to make sense of it all.

All during the day he was more violent when he stepped on Jaken and more quiet than was normal. While he walked ahead surveying the land, Jaken rubbed his sore skull with his free hand and commented to Rin, "Lord Sesshoumaru has been awfully rough today."

Rin looked at the toad demon and considered it. "Now that you mention it, I've noticed it too. He looks stiffer than normal."

From far ahead, Sesshoumaru could hear them talking but chose not to comment. He could always hear Jaken talking, which was part of the reason why he stepped on him from time to time, but deep down he knew that his servant truly did care and that was why he tended to mouth off. Rin was a human, and in Sesshoumaru's book that meant she was allowed to act strangely if it was something she would do naturally. Sometimes the things she said were very true to what lay deep within Sesshoumaru's heart, and at times he felt an uneasy sense of fatherly affection threatening to surface when she touched on something so clearly.

Rin skipped a few steps ahead of Jaken, leading Ah-Un forward. "It's nothing to worry about though. It looks to me like he just had a bad dream." She giggled at the thought and Jaken scoffed at her for giggling at Sesshoumaru's bad mood, but ahead of them, Sesshoumaru had frozen and was stoic with what Rin had said. A shiver ran down his spine and disappeared, and when he turned to look back at his servants, Rin's smiling face eased the memory of the nightmares by a fraction.

He knew somewhere out there Sakura would be waiting. Her form might be different, her looks and lineage and perhaps even her name too, and that was a threat that scared Sesshoumaru more than _any_ of Naraku's incarnations ever could.


End file.
